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Devious Collection by ssleep

-let.- by Varsa-svasa


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May 26, 2013
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straw-stitched and hanging
off every word--

violated:

pressing my ears
against your brittle
hives

and

smoking

you

out
Re-uploading an old poem from another account. :p
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:iconmadameshadowenn:
madameshadowenn Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
The first comment I owe you for placing third in *ssolaris's contest! Congratulations :rose:

I love the way you've compared someone to a bee in this; it's a really interesting idea that I've not seen before. The alliteration in your very first line is also a great hook.
I will say I don't really think you need the word "and" all on it's own. It doesn't seem to be serving a purpose, although that is my own personal opinion which you are very free to ignore :rose:
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

-Dances around- Yeah, I'm a winnner~!

I have a weird habit of comparing people to insects, I warn you. :XD: I just love bees a symbolic sense--with that "hivemind," they have so much potential for it. But, anyways, thanks.

Hmm...I can see what you mean. I really just put it there to tie the last two stanzas together, although it doesn't really fufill a purpose past that. (Which is against the poet's standards, I know.) But, I feel if I change it, some part of the flow will be lost. /:

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:iconmadameshadowenn:
madameshadowenn Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:clap: :D

That's perfectly okay. I have a habit of comparing people to plants, so I think we're even :)

That is a bit of a conundrum, but of course, if you're happy, then leave it as it is!
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2013  Hobbyist Writer

I think I will. :XD: I wrote this poem a whole 2 years ago...I don't really want to change it now.

Plants & insects are great reminders of people. :meow:

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:iconmadameshadowenn:
madameshadowenn Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:D I know that feeling!
:nod: We are in complete agreement.
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:iconlacewinged-beauty:
Lacewinged-Beauty Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013   Writer
Such a lovely description ... :heart:

Just one little thing: I think the last line would have more punch if you only italicized the word out.
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you. :hug:

I think I may just do that...I was having a bit of trouble figuring out how to format how I want it to be read. I imagined those last three words to be a kind of threat--hissed, ya know? I wanted "out" to almost spat...so the italics there will add some needed emphasis I couldn't find a way to show.
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:iconlacewinged-beauty:
Lacewinged-Beauty Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013   Writer
I'm glad to have helped.
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
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:iconquietophobic:
quietophobic Featured By Owner May 29, 2013
UGH YES PLEASE.
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner May 30, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:dummy: Thank you for the comment and the assumed "ugh" of joy!
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:iconfreerangepenguin:
freerangepenguin Featured By Owner May 28, 2013
This paints a very precise and (to me) beautiful picture, in such a brief space! I can't stop reading it. :heart:
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner May 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! ^-^ I've had a lot of people tell me that this worked wonderfully in bringing forth a lot of emotion in a very short time. I'm glad to hear that brevity worked to my advantage.
Reply
:iconsovereignsin:
SovereignSin Featured By Owner May 28, 2013  Student Writer
Brevity really served this piece well. It's fascinating what a few words in the right order and spaced at just the right distance can do.

I can almost smell smoke and warm honey.

Beautifully written. :)
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner May 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I tried the best I could to take a handful of words, and play on meanings & connotations. I mean, it's an extended metaphor, so I could only do so much without blurring the message...But I tried, right. :XD:

:meow: Well, I wouldn't mind smelling that.

Thanks for the lovely comment, by the way. :hug: I'm glad you liked it.
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:iconsovereignsin:
SovereignSin Featured By Owner May 28, 2013  Student Writer
You're very welcome. It was an absolute pleasure to read!
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner May 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you again. :la:
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:iconsovereignsin:
SovereignSin Featured By Owner May 28, 2013  Student Writer
:)
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:iconcality:
cality Featured By Owner May 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
This is very interesting indeed! The sound of 'straw-stitched' is a wonderful way to start off such an intriguing poem.

The brevity is indeed very effective. :)
Reply
:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner May 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I actually wrote this poem mostly after that specific phrase. It was from another work, but it didn't fit--so I tried writing something around it. :XD: I guess it worked.

I've had a lot of people speak of the brevity...it must really stick out!
Reply
:iconcality:
cality Featured By Owner May 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, it's funny how things like that can work out!

Indeed! :D
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:iconmichel-le-fou:
Michel-le-fou Featured By Owner May 26, 2013  Professional Writer
Emphatically a free verse. In review, the most outstanding features are the lack of rhyme characteristic of the style and the brevity of the form. The mood and expression are good despite this.
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner May 27, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for such a well-thought comment. :) I was trying to create an image with few words; the brevity, I hope, helped to emphasize that.
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:iconis-lnds:
Is-lnds Featured By Owner May 26, 2013
i'll be DAMNED this is so well done.
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner May 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:hug: Thank you! It's rather interesting to hear that someone liked my poem so much they'd damn themselves. :XD:
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:iconis-lnds:
Is-lnds Featured By Owner May 28, 2013
let the damned damn
themselves. ;)
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:iconfoxofebony:
FoxofEbony Featured By Owner May 26, 2013
Amazing :D
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner May 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks. :)
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:iconfoxofebony:
FoxofEbony Featured By Owner May 27, 2013
You're welcome :D
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:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner May 26, 2013  Professional Writer
Interesting...
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner May 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks for the comment. ^^
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:icondragonschest:
DragonsChest Featured By Owner May 26, 2013  Professional Writer
You are very welcome... :iconjarryrollplz:
Reply
:iconssensory:
ssensory Featured By Owner May 26, 2013   Writer
YAY YOU'RE BACK.

I like this poem a lot. :meow:
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner May 26, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:la: Why, thanke ye. I'm, as always, glad you liked it. (Especially since this one was written over 2 years ago. ;-;)

AND YES I EXIST ON THE WEB ONCE MORE.

Thanks for the fav, by the way.
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:iconssensory:
ssensory Featured By Owner May 26, 2013   Writer
You are welcome! :la: (oh, wow! that's a long time)

THAT IS ALWAYS A GOOD THING.

You're welcome! :la:
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