off every word--
pressing my ears
against your brittle
I love the way you've compared someone to a bee in this; it's a really interesting idea that I've not seen before. The alliteration in your very first line is also a great hook.
I will say I don't really think you need the word "and" all on it's own. It doesn't seem to be serving a purpose, although that is my own personal opinion which you are very free to ignore
-Dances around- Yeah, I'm a winnner~!
I have a weird habit of comparing people to insects, I warn you. I just love bees a symbolic sense--with that "hivemind," they have so much potential for it. But, anyways, thanks.
Hmm...I can see what you mean. I really just put it there to tie the last two stanzas together, although it doesn't really fufill a purpose past that. (Which is against the poet's standards, I know.) But, I feel if I change it, some part of the flow will be lost. /:
That's perfectly okay. I have a habit of comparing people to plants, so I think we're even
That is a bit of a conundrum, but of course, if you're happy, then leave it as it is!
Just one little thing: I think the last line would have more punch if you only italicized the word out.
I think I may just do that...I was having a bit of trouble figuring out how to format how I want it to be read. I imagined those last three words to be a kind of threat--hissed, ya know? I wanted "out" to almost spat...so the italics there will add some needed emphasis I couldn't find a way to show.
I can almost smell smoke and warm honey.
Well, I wouldn't mind smelling that.
Thanks for the lovely comment, by the way. I'm glad you liked it.
The brevity is indeed very effective.
I've had a lot of people speak of the brevity...it must really stick out!
I like this poem a lot.