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May 31, 2013
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  • Mood: Lonely
  • Listening to: Blueneck & Her Name Is Calla
A few nights ago, I realized I would love to die. I know I should know better.

i.
'there's a second hand that holds mine, and stuffs all the words back down my throat.'
she rasped
her voice a crack--
a croon

sticks & stones breaking
snapping
between her teeth

but when she tries to find the sound
her pen runs dry
pencils break

can someone flip the switch to 'yes' or 'no'
because
lately
i've been so de
tached

& my head is saying 'maybe'

(i  would ask myself,
but i don't trust liars)

ii.
she tries to string the words
down a thread
but they always crumble half
way
through

(the cinders b u r n
with the same old  questions)

& when you turn
to ask
she'll be gone

there are rocks in her throat when she asks you to help her.
the words grind to sand on her tongue.

iii.
smoke in her head
wet ash
smeared across her hands

her fingers are broken;
c
  r o
o k e     d
bones

she reaches for some kind of
truth
at the corner
& turn of each & every page

(she cuts her finger
pushes it back
down
     again)

staring:
hospital white & night-dark
with tears
& dry-mouthed screams

she remembers
last night
all too well

vi.
widdled down:
all my mind settled on
gritted teeth
fingers crossed & broken

dis                      connected
chewing concrete
when i said 'it's okay'

maybe once i could have been                                            together
(shame is a scalpel
a brick wall
down the back of my throat)

v.
so i'll scribble a few more words
about sickness
& hope it keeps it
down and out of
my head today

--
Nothing is wrong. It's just my head; my fucking head won't just let me be. Won't leave me alone. I'll be fine again tomorrow morning. I promise. I promise.

I am one of those people who would gladly give up anything for talent. Unfortunately, I lack both.
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013
I don't know you well at all, but I hope you're feeling much better. :hug:
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:hug: Sometimes care from a stranger is the most sincere of all, right?
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:iconhypermagical:
hypermagical Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2013
Certainly. ^_^
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:iconssensory:
ssensory Featured By Owner Jun 6, 2013   Writer
awww. i'm so sorry you thought that way. if you ever want someone to talk to, i'm here for you. :( :heart:

this is a wonderfully written poem. i hope you feel better now. :tighthug:
Reply
:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner Jun 8, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:hug: Thanks...I was going through a hard time (mentally) when I wrote this. I really do appreciate you extending a hand--I will definitely take hold if I ever reach that point again. :heart:
Reply
:iconcality:
cality Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I hope you're feeling better now. :hug:
Reply
:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:hug: I'm feeling a bit better, now that I've gotten my thoughts in order.
Reply
:iconcality:
cality Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I'm glad to hear that. :heart:
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:iconsocksid:
SockSid Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013
This is beautiful... poetic and sad. I sometimes feel like this, but I could never portray in such a way.
thank you
Reply
:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: Oh dear, this is all I want to say in the worst way you could say it. Don't thank me--someone else could do better.
Reply
:iconsocksid:
SockSid Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013
not in my opinion. besides in a strange way it makes me feel less regretful.
But I guess I decided to work hard... really hard maybe to forget about things or to stop myself from thing too much.
I suppose this is how I want to live in this life time.
Reply
:iconcoffeecuppup:
CoffeeCupPup Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hey there! Y'know..I probably would have tried to find you and call you or something right away to make sure you're still breathing had it not been for your final note...it's good at least you realize it's in your head. :( *patpat* You'll be okay, just remember that the sun will always shine the next day and that the air is there for you to breathe!

I have to disagree with your last sentence though--you have writing talent, a lot of it, except it seems to really come out only when you're upset...but it's there! Have confidence in yourself :) One day, even if it's just to yourself, you'll be the very best! And there will always be someone to support you. ^_^

Dunno if this says much, coming from a stranger like myself, heh, but all I can say is that I got through it, and you can too. :heart:
Reply
:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
It probably wouldn't have actually done anything anyways. I'm a coward, really. :XD: I'm too frightened of death to even touch guns.

It's just...

This was written the day after I had a pretty bad anxiety attack. I kept pacing around my room--back and forth, back and forth--my head spinning and all my thoughts going in million different ways to something painful. My vision started flashing; my skull felt numb and far away, and all these thoughts right under my skin. I eventually just settled down on my floor, grabbed my head, and tried to find something to focus on. But, I couldn't make a thought stay long enough to think, or form a descent word. I started mumbling to myself...I thought I was losing it.

I was consumed by this crushing guilt of everything I've ever done. I regretted my life, myself, every breath I took; I couldn't even think long enough to say why. I just sat there, unnerved and reeling. To be a bit waning poetic, I felt that I was literally a thousand falling "what if's" without a "never."

At that point, I just wanted to...to just die quietly. To make everything stop.

I found afterwards I was unable to write for quite a while. That was torture. I felt like a failure.

That feeling of failure and panic lingered for a while; I scrapped together this. Now, however, I'm over it, or I think I am. It was all in my head, and now I think I'm doing better. It's just, when that sort of thing happens, I just really, really want to get out. By whatever means.

And, a stranger can be the best person to talk to. -kicks rock- Sorry I kind of just puked on your inbox with this comment.
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:iconcoffeecuppup:
CoffeeCupPup Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Heh, perhaps it's a good thing you're a so-called "coward" at this sort of thing... (I personally don't think you're a coward for being afraid, it's more like you still have that little bit of reality around you...just enough to keep you from doing something irrational)

I get what you mean by wanting everything to just stop when something like an anxiety attack hits you though...you just feel so unable to do anything right, to control anything so you feel like it's best if you just...melted away. =( Try not to let it take you to that thought though, mkay? You can make your brain think about something else. And you can avoid the feeling of failure. And even if you feel like you can't focus long enough on something to take your mind off things, try, and don't stop trying. Maybe just have a go-to funny image or sequence, something that never fails to make you smile (even a little) that you can always think of when you feel upset? :) What about...maybe a tiny purple kitten trying to do ballet? Or maybe a dolphin with shorts on or something...just something silly :D

We all go through these sorts of things, no one can ever say that "nope I've never felt like that before, not a bit". Just try not to worry, and if things are on your mind, tell someone, or something (I used to talk to my stuffed animals if I was upset...their happy faces eventually would make me smile too)

*picks up the rock and paints a smiley face on it* :)
Anddd no problem. I sort of just puked right back at you ;)
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
-Puts google eyes on rock- You know, you are a very good person. I think you should know that.

I just want to say, it's people like you who make my world brighter. Thank you so much for all this advice, all this gush of kindness to a stranger. :huggle: It really will, if all that I can remember is that there are people out there who care.
Reply
:iconcoffeecuppup:
CoffeeCupPup Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Hehe, what a cute rock. ;)
Ahaha, I just try my best to brighten peoples' days! That's all.

And you're welcome! :) I'm just happy I was able to be a part of the many people who care~ :hug:
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart:
Reply
:iconcoffeecuppup:
CoffeeCupPup Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:heart:
Reply
:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Student Writer
You're one of the most talented poets I've ever come across, and I say that with all honesty. I'm always stunned by your words - as intricately woven and delicate as they are. You have immense talent in what you do and it's something to be envied. You mustn't forget that, and forget just how many people feel the same way as I.

Every human being deserves a full life, to live and show everyone else their talents and their abilities. Everyone deserves that privilege of life. You don't know how much of a waste it would be if it got cut short. <3 Things will always get better. If things aren't better, it's not the end.
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:hug: Thank you...I...I'm sorry I can't always trust people when they say I'm "talented" or "good." I just doubt myself; especially when I wrote this.

I was just getting over an anxiety attack (I have a comment in here, detailing my experience >.>'), and I was hitting a sudden and unprepared-for low. I just felt horribly shameful of everything, and couldn't get over that.

Thank you so much--just for having faith in me.
Reply
:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2013  Student Writer
You're welcome. <3 And I understand that. It can be difficult to accept compliments and te like sometimes, especially when you're not certain of the words, yourself. I couldn't ever blame you for that.

I'm sorry to hear that. :( I guess all you can do is try and get it out of your system... and that's why ranting is so good. It just helps to ease the pain, for however long it lasts. It does pass eventually.

You're very welcome. I'll always have faith in you. :)
Reply
:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: Thanks for your understanding. It really does make me feel better; you know, having someone who has "faith in you."
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:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2013  Student Writer
You're welcome. There are always going to be plenty of people who have faith in you.
Reply
:iconithaswhatitisnt:
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
I've been in these particular shoes many times before, my dear. :tighthug: I'm sorry to hear that, and I hope you're able to return to a state of normalcy soon. :heart:
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: Thanks for your empathy. It really is nice to hear.
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:iconithaswhatitisnt:
ithaswhatitisnt Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Of course. :huggle:
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:icondippipippi:
dippipippi Featured By Owner May 31, 2013
you have talent; more talent than I believe I've ever seen in someone so young. I know life can be hard and sometimes it can seem pointless and tough, but know that even when you don't, I believe you have talent. I hope you feel better in the morning. <3
Reply
:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: Thank you--I wish I could put to words how much this all means...Just...thank you.
Reply
:icondippipippi:
dippipippi Featured By Owner May 31, 2013
you're a beautiful poet, and what lies above is a wonderful example of that. I'm here if you need to talk to me anytime, if there's any way I can help. <3
Reply
:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
:heart: Thanks...I'm not sure what anyone can do to help, but your offer means a lot.
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:iconnawkaman:
nawkaman Featured By Owner May 31, 2013
I like how you toyed with the words detached, disconnected and crooked.

I have been there, I hope you find your way through. It can get better.
Reply
:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks--I tried to add a bit of spice to my boring ol' verse.

It'll all make sense in the morning, I'm sure.
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:iconcounting-vertebrae:
counting-vertebrae Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Student Writer
I'm always amazed by your writing. Quite sorry to hear you're feeling this way.
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:iconinsomniaplague:
insomniaplague Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks--that's a lot coming from you.

Thanks again; my head messes with me sometimes--it can be frightening, and I sometimes feel like I need to escape.
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:iconcounting-vertebrae:
counting-vertebrae Featured By Owner May 31, 2013  Student Writer
Any time!

Ah, yes, I can definitely relate.
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